Lament

DISCLAIMER:  THIS IS A VERY DEPRESSING ENTRY.  FEEL FREE TO SKIP OVER IT AS IT IS MERELY A "DUMPING" OF EMOTIONAL ANGST.

Fear:
It's always there.  Hiding in the dark, dingy shadows.  Waiting for even the slightest show of weakness.  It never creeps.  It just attacks with a gut-wrenching blow that knocks the wind out of me.  I feel like an animal trapped in a hunter's crosshairs.  Knowing I should run, but unable to do so.
Tears:
They are never far behind the fear.  They come, unbidden and at the most inopportune moments.  I can't hold them back.  I don't want to be afraid.  I don't want to be weak.  I want to be brave and strong and to know, instantly, exactly what to do to fix the current crisis.  I cry.  I rage.  I hide.  I procrastinate.  I wallow in anger and self-pity:
Why is this happening to me?  What have I done to deserve this?  Is there supposed to be a lesson in this?  I hate lessons.  Why can't things just be simple?  I don't have time for this right now.  Wasn't I doing everything according to your plan?  I thought I was.
Finally, I drop to my knees...and pray.
Dear God,
Please save me.  Not just from this situation, but from myself.  I'm so confused and afraid.  I don't know how to fix it and I don't know how to try.  I know I need to do something, but I need you to show me what it is.
God?  Please forgive me.  I know I can't do this alone, and yet my faith is the first defense to drop.  Why do I take it as a personal affront when life is hard?  What makes me so special from any other person that I think I deserve some kind of divine protection from the struggles of this life?  Why am I angry at you?  It's not your will that this world is as it is.  Give me courage.  Give me strength of character.  Bolster my faith.   Carry me through this.  I need you.